I Found

I was told once that over 90% of human interaction is non-verbal. But listen, I don’t know if that is inherently a good thing. Maybe that’s why we are all obsessed with using these goofy emojis to represent feelings when we text each other. Everything’s a code, isn’t it? Even when we do manage to convert thoughts into sounds to form sentences, all-too-often there’s something hidden behind any spoken language, let alone a simple text message. We can say “I’m doing okay” but in between each letter there are these cracks of heavy feelings caused from the pressure of too many terrible things. For many of us, that open Snapchat and “read” message—complete lack or absence of anything verbal—triggers a monsoon of anxiety that the umbrella of “I was busy, sorry” can’t possibly protect us from the acidic doubt that seeps into everything. The lack of words, the absence of your voice and the nonexistence of any effort you put into saying anything at all suggests all sorts of things, but mostly that you don’t and never really did give a shit.

Because the last time I heard your voice, you were crying over another guy, having an anxiety attack mixed with an encumbering wave of depression and you couldn’t stop looking at social media full of photographs of him and her, wishing it were you instead. I listened, I spoke little. I told you I loved you. You said okay. Cupid is the asshole, here. Dude needs to stop using me for target practice. I’m sorry I ever loved you.

I think it’s safe to say that you didn’t do anything wrong though, but I know you’d apologize. The thing is… you probably did nothing at all, and that’s why you’ll be that somebody I used to know. I used to spend a lot of time putting love into places where I’d get nothing out of it, where I’d commit to things that only last for short moments and I’d pine after a girl with a beautiful smile only to realize her gaze was originally on something far beyond me. I used to do those things. Now I don’t.

The thing is that you’re maybe going to read these words and you’re going to assume I mean them and a lot of them I do but at the end of the day, I’m not really sorry I loved you, and I don’t regret it because loving you was great. Having to shut that off, though, was not. See you would get my 90% of my non verbal interaction if you had ever taken a moment to understand me or know me and I’ll say that I am sorry for that because that is the one thing you will be unable to do that’s completely on you. Anyway, I’ve been spending too much time trying to convince my cats to listen to me and encouraging my stupid shadow that I’m worth following to have to put any more effort to win anyone’s affection right now. Enjoy our 0% of any kind of interaction, darling. Kindest regards.