Car Radio

Hi. It’s me. I haven’t written anything in forever. Except that’s a lie; I’ve written a lot, but I never deemed any of it worth publishing or sharing. Regardless, here I am. Seeing as I have nothing else to do today, because people suck, I suppose I’ll hecking rant before I return to the Summoner’s Rift to give birth to a fed enemy Draven or something.

So, the Last Jedi was great. Go see it. Tonight. Bring your best friend or significant other. Seriously. You won’t regret it. No, I’m not going to spoil anything here, but these Disney additions to the universe have really got me thinking. You’ve got Kylo Ren. Cool guy, right? Adam Driver is wonderful. I mean, just the whole idea of this angsty, emo Sith Lord is… so Disney, but also such a Millennial-inspired antagonist. He is the perfect and most relatable villain. This article describes him as “unfinished evil” and despite many critics hating on how “wimpy” Kylo Ren comes off as, the author does a great job explaining why it makes sense and why it actually really works. The most accurate and chuckle-inducing sentence in the article is, “In The Last Jedi, Emo Kylo Ren discovers indie rock.”

Speaking of Emo Kylo Ren:


Yes, I’m going to continue nerding out, here, so bear with me. So in the scene below from the Force Awakens, Kylo is fighting Finn, then Rey. There’s this part that shows Ren wincing from an injury. To handle it, he beats on the wound, as though to eradicate pain by causing pain. We tend to do that, don’t we? I know I do. When I’m hurting or upset, especially when it’s from something out of my control, I’d rather distract myself from that, even if it’s by something that hurts me more. Like, it’s psychological; it’s a coping mechanism. It’s why a lot of the times after a tough break ups people are like “Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else ;).” Not because it’s healthy or that you won’t get hurt or feel worse, it’s because it’ll distract.

Really, I think Kylo Ren’s biggest struggle is, besides trying to find his place in the universe, his fear of having to do it alone. See, Star Wars speaks to me.[/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]

I’m realizing I’ve slept less than 7 hours in the since Friday. How am I functioning? Maybe that’s why my thoughts are so scattered. I need to rest my gray matter.

“A particle moves along the x-axis so that its velocity at time t, for 0= t = 6 is given by a differentiable funciont v whose graph is shown above. The velocity is – at t = 0, t = 3, t = 6, and the graph has horizontal tangents at t = 1 and t = 5. The areas of the regions bounded by the t-axis and the graph of v on the intervals of [0, 3], [3, 5], and [5, 6] are 8, 3, and 2, respectively. At time = 0, the particle is at x = -2. ”

So in other words, the graph given is a chart of the increase and decreasing of the particle’s velocity. As the graph rises above the x-axis, it’s going t faster to the right. When it’s lowering below the x-axis, it’s going t slower to the left. The areas bounded are really just the total distance it travels. And the derivative of the velocity is its acceleration… I love helping my friends with Calculus when I haven’t thought about math since like 2k10.

When I was in high school, one of my older friends gave me some impacting relationship advice. He said, never give your all. Never give 100%. Hold back. It was in line with the whole “wait a day or two before calling her.” He basically said, manipulate her anxiety; leave that Snapchat on opened, leave a text message on read for a bit. I get that mentality. I mean, I understand it. It’s right out of the Laws of Power:

  • Law#4 – Always Say Less than Necessary: When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you
    appear, and the less in control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish. I obviously am… overabundant, sometimes, with words. But this translates into: don’t type more than 240 characters ever in a text. Short texts. No emojis either!
  • Law #8 – Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary: When you force the other person to act, you are the one in control. It is always better to make your opponent come to you, abandoning his own plans in the process. Lure him with fabulous gains – then attack. You hold the cards. In other words, never call her. She gets to call you. Don’t text first. Let her initiate. Keep her guessing. On her toes. “Is he into me? I have no idea!” 
  • Law #16 – Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor: Too much circulation makes the price go down: The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave. Create value through scarcity. Straightforward enough, yeah?
  • Law #20 – Do Not Commit to Anyone: It is the fool who always rushes to take sides. Do not commit to any side or cause but yourself. By maintaining your independence, you become the master of others – playing people against one another, making them pursue you. Literally don’t commit to anything. Always be ambiguous, flippant.
  • Law #48 – Assume Formlessness: By taking a shape, by having a visible plan, you open yourself to attack. Instead of taking a form for your enemy to grasp, keep yourself adaptable and on the move. Accept the fact that nothing is certain and no law is fixed. The best way to protect yourself is to be as fluid and formless as water; never bet on stability or lasting order. Everything changes. The best way to screw with someone’s emotions is to never let them latch onto to anything solid; being that realm between an “official” couple and more than friends is fluid and the boundaries are unclear. Control this territory. Become one with the darkness!

It’s bullshit. I literally have a single person in mind after I read all of those things. I must be lacking in a lot of power because I’m cool with commitment, I’m okay with solidity, I want to always be there, and I more often than not say too much. Whatever.

Listen, my dudes: if you want to talk to her, just do it. If you want to call her, just call. I mean, heck. Why do we have to complicate love? It’s not a political campaign. You don’t need to formulate a strategy or think too far ahead. You shouldn’t have to worry about being a step ahead of the other or maintaining control over their emotions. It should be simple. If you like her, see if she likes you back. If ya’ll are into each other, get closer. If you get close enough, date.

It’s curious because I would have probably had a higher success rate with relationships if I listened. Now I’m just bitter.

We have a tendency to complicate things. Relationships should be simple but I think some of us actually like complicated.

So here’s some advice, friends. Here’s a nice little list. If they do any of these things, especially if there are multiple, I recommend dropping that person. Move on. Your feelings, thoughts and time are better spent elsewhere.

  • They don’t respond to anything. If you bring it up they make some shitty excuse about their shitty day or their shitty feelings. If they wanted to talk to you, they would. If they wanted to reply, they would. You shouldn’t just be a convenient sounding board for someone when they have no one else. End of story.
  • They don’t listen. They don’t remember important things because they don’t listen. They’re always distracted when you’re with them; you’ll notice they’re responding to plenty of people or they’re on their phone plenty… all-too-often you’ll see that bullets #1 and #2 aren’t mutually exclusive, as crazy as that sounds.
  • They refuse to commit no matter how long you’ve been “talking.” It’s usually because there’s someone else. Maybe they’re actually scared.
  • They aren’t there when you need them. Because according to Ellie in That Awkward Moment, that’s all that relationships are.

And don’t worry, if you absolutely ignore everything I just listed, it’s cool. Same. Oh, like 3 years, @RebeccaEstherC and I wrote a nice little post about dating, so you can check that old nonsense here.

I think… I think too much. I hate this car that I’m driving. There’s no hiding for me. I’m forced to deal with what I feel. There is no distraction to mask what is real; I could pull the steering wheel. I have these thoughts, so often I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought cuz somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence. I ponder of something terrifying cuz this time there’s no sound to hide behind. I find over the course of our human existence one thing consists of consistence and it’s that we’re all battling fear. Oh dear, I don’t know if we know why we’re here. Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking… I liked it better when my car had sound.

Okay so, yeah, I’ve discovered Twenty One Pilots. Great band, and I’m not talking about their “popular” stuff on the radio; I mean their deeper, heavier stuff. Check out Car Radio. By far my favorite right now.

Holy heck I found a ton of my old posts on some random blogger that I won’t even give you the URL for because some of that stuff was pretty lame. I mean this stuff’s pretty lame. But it was worse then, if you can believe that.

In my life, I’ve experienced struggles, great moments, and many late nights pondering things most probably wouldn’t waste their time pondering. I’ve lived in garages, lost elections, had my fair share of family problems, and I’ve fallen in love. I’ve spent over 1500 hours playing a first-person shooter, I’ve written close to fifty posts on this website, and screamed nonsense things at the top of my lungs while on quests and road trips with one of my few close friends. I’ve played chicken with a semi on a random highway in Missouri, and barely lived through that. I’ve brought in Red Bull to Whitey’s and created one of the greatest energy drink smoothies known to mankind, that even topped Delia’s. I scooped thousands of ounces of ice cream, set up hundreds of phones for people who use the technology I sell them on a regular basis, and gotten in one-too-many debates about religion/politics. I’ve broken hearts, had my heart broken, and mended them. I’ve sat at a frozen lake in the last minutes of 2013, alone, lost in thought, memories, current feelings, and the future. I’ve driven aimlessly for hours. I’ve punched this training bag until my knuckles have bled, ran till I couldn’t breathe anymore, and played guitar till my callouses couldn’t handle it anymore. I could keep going. Seriously. Frankly, I’ve done a lot. And I still don’t consider my life anywhere to where I want it to be, but here I am.

In the movie, “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,” they talk about the purpose of life. The motto for Life Magazine is: To see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come to, to draw closer, to see and be amazed.” Incredible.

In the past few weeks, I’ve had my world flipped upside down and turned inside out. I’ve drawn closer to a lot of great people, ended journeys with others, and found hope.

I’ve realized that building up walls won’t protect me. That I shouldn’t be afraid of what’s up ahead, and that there is literally beauty in everything. I hate this ice and snow with a passion, but at midnight at the beginning of the year, the way it sparkles in the moonlight is truly beautiful. And yes, I had that thought even while I shivered and shook from the negative temperatures. Even when I lose, even when I know it’s time to give up on some things and some people, and even when things don’t work out the way I want to, I’ve realized to simply carry on because life is incredible in the sense that there will always be something else waiting up ahead.

The next step might be a shitty day at work, a long drive to Des Moines, or hours of web design. The next step could be an aimless trip to Chicago, falling in love, or finally winning. Who knows.

I’m going to be honest, I’m rereading this all back to my dog to make sure it makes sense, and she is actually listening to me for the first time in forever.

Everyone made these little New Year’s resolutions. I think that’s silly. Why do we set goals for a year, and on the first of every year? It’s not only that, but we give up on them halfway through.

I’m making a lifetime resolution that I’m going to try to live up to. You should, too. I want to see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come, to draw closer, to see and to be amazed. I want to live my life to the fullest despite what garbage it throws at me, and to impact the rest of this world in the most positive way. I want to live my life, and stop dreaming and wishing.

I made a Facebook status a few days ago asking about whether or not you should fight for what you want most, or if it’ll all just fall into place. My answer has been this: Hell yes. Of course. I am going to fight for everything I wish to have, and make it mine. Because life doesn’t just fall into place. I have to live it. I have to fight. The fire doesn’t just light up; I have to ignite it.

In this past month I’ve been surrounded by friends, and I’ve also spent a lot of time alone thinking over things. I haven’t figured out life entirely, or where I need to go, or what I need to do, but I know that up ahead, there are amazing things to come. And I can’t even begin to describe how excited I am to carry on. Anything is possible, as cheesy as that sounds. And I will fight for what I want most.

It’s crazy because I’ve gone from feeling like I’m completely alone and that I’m never going to get anywhere, to finally piecing things together, and realizing I’m far from alone, and this journey is far from over.

#tbt to when I played Battlefield 3 all the time. But damn, how did I become so bitter and cold? Take what you want from that. I guess it’s simply not me any more. To close, I want to recommend a book. It’s called How to Win Friends and Influence People. I’ve read and digested the 48 Laws of Power and was left with a choice… sure, this is probably a very nice way to, well, become a powerful person, but do I really want to become an asshole? It’s Machiavellian and cold. I don’t want to be. This other book, though, it’s… better. I’ll give ya a brief outline of what it suggests.

  • Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
  • Give honest and sincere appreciation.
  • Arouse in the other person an eager want.
  • Become genuinely interested in other people.
  • Smile. 
  • Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  • Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  • Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
  • Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Anyway. Thanks for reading all my nonsense. Enjoy the holidays!